E12 Conflict Principle

Which do you think is more likely?

There is no excuse to defend yourself with self-serving rationalizations.

OR

It is better to test how responsive they are to your needs with some defensive remarks you’re ready to drop as soon as they show themselves trustworthy to your vulnerabilities.

Anankelogy

The less we engage each other, the quicker we insist we’re right about something. Our inflexible needs refuse to fit their rebuttals. So we double down and insist we’re rationally right. Even in some of the most irrational ways.

Self-righteousness easily shuts down dialogue. It closes down conversations. It avoids the stuff deep down that really matters.

Author John Powell put it well in his book Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? “To understand people, I must try to hear what they are not saying, what they perhaps will never be able to say.”

The self-righteous become poor listeners. They burn bridges. They trigger distrust. They miss opportunities for deeper connections. Consider this response by Job (Job 6:24-26):

“Teach me and I will be silent. And show me where I have erred. How painful are honest words. But what does your argument prove? Do you intend to dispute my words when the words of one in despair belongs to the wind?”

We can either keep the conversation going, or shut it down by overdefensive reactions to even the slightest charge. Resolving needs requires an ongoing interaction of shared understandings.

Need-response

An accusation could be an awkward attempt to go deeper. Reacting to the first emotionally charged words could miss the point. They belong to the “wind” and not yet on point. They’re likely thrown out to test the waters, to check if it’s safe to disclose more.

A self-righteous response warns it is not safe. Self-righteousness traps you into a shallow understanding. You get stuck with your blind spots. Others recognize your ignorance, your unresponsiveness. They’re less likely to share much with you in the future.

By denying any merit in the speaker’s assertion, you lose their trust. They likely could go deeper and share something much more vulnerable and relevant. But your refusal to engage leaves them in the cold. No connection here.

Reactive Problem

Consider this exchange.

        “You misunderstood what I meant.”

        “No, I didn’t! I understand you fully.”

The reaction is harshly self-righteous and defensive. “You’re wrong, I do understand!” No further exploration necessary. In short, “Shut the hell up!”

See how that feel-reactivedenial avoids deeper awareness? See how it tries to avoid anything uncomfortable? See how it effectively avoids addressing any affected needs?

Such defensiveness rarely leads to resolving the needs behind the conflict. Especially when followed by the arrogance of might-makes-right. Trustworthiness is easily lost when imposing one’s interpretation.

Responsive Solution

Let’s revisit that exchange, but with a different response.

        “You misunderstood what I meant.”

        “Why do you say I misunderstood what you meant?”

The response is neither self-righteous nor admitting the charge. “You may have something there. Let’s keep talking so we both share an understanding.”

See how that need-responsivequery invites deeper awareness? See how it faces the risk of something uncomfortable? See how it can help address any affected needs on both sides?

Such mutual respect can resolve more needs than self-righteous defensiveness. Especially when both sides find it safe to explore all the affected needs. No one requires anyone’s permission to breathe.

Responding to your needs

How does this principle speak to your experience of needs? Post in our Engagement forum your thoughtful response to one of these:

• Sometimes my first objection gets misinterpreted as self-righteousness.

• How can I challenge a hurtful accusation without being self-righteous?

• I prefer to ask what they’ve done than jump to an accusation. I think it works much better.

• Self-righteous denial could be a step in the grieving process, later admitted when ready.

Instead of selecting one of these, post your own engagement feedback about your experience with the subject of this principle. Remember the aim is to improve our responsiveness to each other’s needs, toward their full resolution. If you’re new at posting here, first check the guide below.