E09 Conflict Principle

Which would you prefer?

Others held to whatever standard the powerful think is appropriate.

OR

Others held to the same high moral standard as you.

Anankelogy

Anankelogy ties the equal status of one another’s needs with our measurable responsivenessto them. Not that this serves an excuse to react on par with those reacting to you. But nixes any argument you should treat them better than they’ve treated you. Let love and not compul

This principle stretches back to ancient times. You can find in the sacred teachings of religions as diverse as Daoism, Sikhism, Islam and Christianity.

In Matthew 7:1, Jesus is recorded as warning his audience to not judge lest they be judged. Verse 2 continues (NIV): “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Anankelogy dares apply this standard to those in positions of power.

I can see this equalizing standard mirrored in Islam. Consider a translation of the Sahih al-Bukhari hadith [6103]: “If a brother accuses a brother of being an unbeliever, one of them is right.” Imagine if we applied that standard to prosecutors: If a prosecutor falsely accuses the innocent, that prosecutor is guilty as an offender.

Now consider this equalizing standard proactively. If I assess how responsive others—especially powerholders—are to my exposed needs, then I invite them to assess how responsive I am to their exposed needs. The measure I would have them use to constructively assess me would be the same measure I use to constructively assess them.

Perhaps discern or evaluate or assessserve as better terms than judging. Not deciding who’s better or worse, but to report the impact of their actions on our needs. And to welcome them to report the impact of our actions upon their needs.

Need-response

We deceive ourselves if we believe we can treat others in ways they can never treat us. If my group is mightier than your group with a greater arsenal of weapons, my self-righteous and arrogant use of them to force my way inevitably provokes some backlash.

But does might make right? Or does my outward show of strength betray my lack of internal strength? Trying to impose a different standard undermines the higher standard of resolving needs with love. An unequal standard may seem powerful, but actually betrays weakness. Power isn’t really power unless it resolves needs.

True power resolves need, removes cause for pain and violence, and restores everyone’s potential to optimally function.

Reactive Problem

The more we expect each other to act on rational choices, the more we set ourselves up for repeated disappointment. Anyone can find some “rational” reason to apply a self-serving standard.

For example, the Gazans should simply accept the loss of their sacred homelands so that Israelis can claim it as their sole sacred homeland. Or the Israelis should simply accept Hamas targeting civilians as one of their only asymmetrical warfare ploys while ignoring Jewish trauma from centuries of pogroms.

Most rationally deduced reasons betray some rationalizations that bias one’s own needs against the inflexible needs of others. Seeking to indulge one’s own needs at the expense of others assures a continual conflict.

If you want to take back by force what you’re convinced rightly belongs to you, then you can expect others to take from you by force what they see as rightly theirs. The standard you apply they apply in return. The rational you use gets soon used on you.

Responsive Solution

Need-responseapplies this mutual standard with mutual regard. You respect their needs as a condition to rightly expect them to respect your needs. You don’t do to them the things you don’t want done to you. You empathize with them as you would want them to empathize with you. And so forth.

Need-response holds each other accountable to this standard of mutuality. The more defensive you get toward others, the more you can expect them getting defensive toward you. The more you open up and learn what you can do for them, the more inclined they are to learn what they can do for you.

Need-response gives teeth to this standard with its Impact Parity Model (IPM). Powerholders of every kind can expect to be treated in the similar manner they treat or mistreat the less powerful. 

Need-response introduces incentives to powerholders to listen to those they impact.

Need-response replaces mutual defensiveness with cultivated trust and trustworthiness. Need-response replaces mutual hostilities with incentivized cooperation. Need-response replaces mutual alienation with deep connections.

Since the standard applied can prompt the standard replied, let’s apply a standard that models the support you seek from others. Give what you want to get and then bountifully receive more of what you’ve given away. Set the higher standard of love.

Responding to your needs

How does this principle speak to your experience of needs? Post in our Engagement forum your thoughtful response to one of these:

• If powerholders impose such a low standard, how can I model a morally higher standard?

• This seems almost impossible to practice in real life.

• The problem is that some actually expect me to abuse them as they abuse me.

• The standard applied is sometimes low, so I endeavor to reply with a higher moral standard.

Instead of selecting one of these, post your own engagement feedback about your experience with the subject of this principle. Remember the aim is to improve our responsiveness to each other’s needs, toward their full resolution. If you’re new at posting here, first check the guide below.