B04 Basic Principle

Which do you think is more likely?

You address your needs by rationally thinking through each one.

OR

You address routine needs with the autopilot of your healthy feelings.

Anankelogy

Every feeling you feel comes with its own level of intensity. The more your need-conveying emotions sense your ability to function is held back, the more intense the emotion. As your ability to function goes back to your functional norm, the feeling naturally subsides. Let’s use some common needs to illustrate the ups and downs of emotions.

• Self-determination. Consider your need to define your own path in life. If right now you can freely pursue your own purpose in life, you likely do not feel any urgency to do your own thing if already doing it. But the more your ability to function requires a level of self-determination you find elusive, the more intense the longing for self-determination.

• Fairness. Consider your need to be treated by the same standard as anyone else. If you don’t feel cheated right now, you likely do not feel life is unfair. But as soon as you feel you are being treated more negatively than others, your emotions warn you with growing intensity.

• Acceptance. Consider your need to be affirmed for who you authentically are. If you’re totally embraced for who you honestly are, you may not even feel the need for acceptance. But as soon as you feel a threat of rejection, your longing for acceptance can naturally intensify.

• Grieving. Consider your need to adjust to some painful loss. If you have not suffered any terrible loss recently, you likely feel no urgency to make any emotional adjustments. But if you recently lost something of great importance to you, you will intensely feel

• Intimacy. Consider your need for affectionate closeness. If already close to someone in a satisfying relationship, you don’t exactly long for intimacy at that moment. But if unable to find a compatible romantic partner, you may be craving for intimacy.

• Security. Consider your need to remain unhindered by dangers. If feeling totally safe at the moment, you likely don’t even think about your need for security. But as soon as dangers come rushing in, your need for security rushes front and center.

• Support. Consider your need to receive help where you cannot provide for yourself. If surrounded by friends pouring out bountiful care, you don’t feel the need for support that intensely. But if in trouble somewhere all by yourself, you yearn for all the help you can get.

With each of these, the more your feelings warn you that you must resolve the need as soon as possible, it often includes something that could hold hope of prompt relief. Often, this serves as stopgap measure, at least until the real thing comes along.

Unfortunately, we can become attached to such substitutes. Until a need fully resolves, your mind keeps you focused on it at some level. The less you can resolve a need on your own, and especially if vulnerable to forces beyond your personal control, you could find yourself trapped in emotional pain warning of persisting unmet needs.

Need-response

Need-response identifies four levels of human problems that can leave you feeling stuck in emotionalpain.

1. Personal problem. You can solve a personal problem on your own. The painful feelings subside soon after you pursue your solution.

2. Interpersonal problem. You solve an interpersonal problem with cooperation with a peer. The closer you agree on a solution, the sooner your painful feelings can fade away.

3. Power problem. You must wait on someone of influence to solve the problem. If they respond to your need, your painful feelings can then stop bothering you.

4. Structural problem. A social norm or structural pattern must change before you can solve such a problem. Until then, you could feel trapped in some intensifying emotional pain.

Need-response exists to address each level of problem. The more your problem sits higher above this list, the more likely you endure some sharp disturbing feelings. Long-term endurance of such emotional pain correlates with coping mechanisms like addictions.

Too many of us must find ways to accommodate increasingly loads of emotional pain from mounting loads of unresolved needs, due to these complex problems. Need-response prepares you to address all of these levels of problems so that all sides can benefit by resolving more needs.

Reactive Problem

Hyper-individualism presents a major hurdle to identifying the level of a problem prompting your intense emotions. The Western bias toward personal responsibility—which is laudable when properly applied—easily blinds us from these higher levels of human problems. We too easily blame ourselves for what we cannot personally change.

Instead of entertaining the complexities of our problems, we cope with relief-generalizing that avoids dealing with the problem. Instead of engaging the intense feelings that follow, we gloss over the details that could solve the problem. Instead of solving problems, we feed the deeper nefarious problem of avoidant adversarialism.

We avoid facing the uncomfortable reality of our complicated problems by becoming adversarial. Since it’s easier to change a powerless individual than change the more powerful person or institution, we habitually evade the intense feelings produced by such problems by rushing into conflicts. To avoid dealing squarely with complicated issues, we indulgently take sides in these contrived conflicts.

In short, we try to take the easier path but that quickly becomes the harder path the bear. Your intense feelings are not the problem as much as the unresolved needs they exist to report.

Responsive Solution

Need-response has you embrace each challenging feeling. You develop the tenacity to embrace even your most painful emotions. You get to the need each of these intense feelings try to report.

You then address each problem up the ladder. You resolve your personal problems the best you can. But offered understanding that even your personal problems may require some attention to these higher-level problems.

Even those in positions of influential power have many of the same needs as you. So need-response cultivates mutual supports. That includes offering them many of the same qualities that you need. For example, you offer them grace that affirms where they are developmentally at to model the standard for how they are to graciously affirm you where you are at.

You learn to let your painful feelings serve you, so you don’t feel trapped serving them. You learn to turn your most intense feelings into opportunities for growth. You learn to appreciate these intense feelings as they inform you the status of your many needs.

Responding to your needs

How does this principle speak to your experience of needs? Post in our Engagement forum your thoughtful response to one of these:

• When overwhelmed with intense pain, what do you have to help me to think straight?

• This seems easier said then done, so I’d like to see such pain endurance in action.

• Personal responsibility isthe answer for most problems, or so I am personally convinced.

• What can be done about lingering pain that doesn’t seem connected to any current need?

Instead of selecting one of these, post your own engagement feedback about your experience with the subject of this principle. Remember the aim is to improve our responsiveness to each other’s needs, toward their full resolution. If you’re new at posting here, first check the guide below.